They came so slowly, hesitantly, almost without notice they crept into my life..my world. They came with questions, darkness, doubts and finally light.
Now I give you you my words.....
Dirty Windows
Looking in my eyes
what do you see?
My eyes, they are
the windows of me.
Do you see an ugly
messed up view?
through dirt and mire
a gaze from you?
What do you see
behind my eyes?
Do you see
my soul that cries?
Insecurities,
pain and doubt;
Do I dare let you in?
Should I keep you out?
Closing my eyes,
I'm scared.
Would you leave
if the view I shared?
How can you love
me so?
I see so little to love,
so why don't you go?
Why do you smile
as you gaze so deep?
Whispering the words
"With you I want to keep."
Do you see something
I don't see in me?
Is there a beauty hidden
that wants to be free?
Wash my windows
with your love and tears.
Then maybe my gaze
will finally become clear
and I will understand
what beauty is in me
that you love.
©BAR
11/08/97
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Transcending
Take my hand and help me scale
The pillars of pain of my life
Transcending the myths of myself
That have brought to me much strife
Extract me from the murk and mire
That has enveloped my being so long
Rising above the tears of self hate
Permitting the privilege to be strong
May I realize the failures aren't mine
But bestowed by those of insecure mind
A need to pull to their level of self worth
The lowest level this earth can find
Guide me to the full essence of joy
Dispel the fog enshrouding my being
Seeing with clarity the gifts given to me
Showing me that my life has meaning
Help me draw out the beauty in me
A shield of strength against their croons
May I look on them with sadness not hate
For they will someday be truly alone
©BAR
2/1/98
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Go Forth With Confidence
"Go forth into the night with confidence"
C o n f i d e n c e ?
I look at you
--with a questioning eye.
An uttered word
--almost foreign to this mind.
Vaguely familiar
--but its essence I can't find.
Has it been pulverized
--by cruelty over time?
Was it once part of me
--from days lost in the dark?
Was it stripped from me
--by jeers that left their mark?
Was I left defenseless
--as a tree without bark?
Was it bestowed upon me
--then extracted as a lark?
How do I go forth
--in the dark without a light?
How do I find strength
--when inside I'm scared to fight?
How do I re-build self worth
--that was scorned to flight?
How do I rejuvenate confidence
--and step into the night?
©BAR
1/17/98
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As my words began to flow into a steady stream they dragged along debris; dirt, pebbles, mud. They gave birth to a darkness I didn't expect. They pulled along with them all of that pain that I had buried away.
My poetry came at a pace that took me by surprise. Words flowed daily but they were not fresh, beautiful words. They were filled with pain, blackness, hate, tears. In many ways they scared me. I had never looked at myself as a "dark soul" but that was very much what my heart gave birth to.
Looming
Your kindness, shadowed
by the catacombs of my demons past
Parched by fires,
their lone goal, decimation fast
Taunting words,
and my inner essence clash
Hands tremble,
as I fumble for my mask
Words spiked with pain,
in fright drift out
Your acceptance of me,
I've been cultivated to doubt
My inner affliction clamors,
filled with screams and shouts
Demons scramble,
an aura of calm is quickly doused
Don't get too close
My spirit trembles, quivering in fear
Don't probe too deep
For my reality to be clear
Don't gaze too intently
Feelings of disgust will draw near
Don't listen too close
Or my demons you will hear
©BAR
8/27/98
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Reality's Ways
The slap in my face is caustic
a raspy gasp attempts to fill my lungs
Any air is impelled from my existence
as the reality of my life smothers me
Darkness overbears any light
looming, threatening my sanity
Placing a straight jacket around me
for the times I dared to dream
I walk but I cover no ground
a chain is clamped around my leg
I'm stuck in a bog of quick sand
and I search for a life-line to seize
My fingers grope for a steadfast grasp
as remnants of dream's sand slip away
Looking upward to the heavens in pain
a groan of languish permeates the air
~*~
God, what are you trying to show me in life?
Why must my dreams slip away?
Where is the cloud with silver lining?
Why must ‘struggle’ guide my life each day?
I'm so weary of slipping and falling.
I can't seem to find a place of steady ground.
I caught a glimpse of the rainbow through the clouds...
but now I'm struggling to find the sun...
©BAR
6/26/98
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hide-N-Seek
Within my demons' hysteria
they played ‘Hide-N-Seek'
in my mind;
Peering out from distant corners,
jeering, “You can seek me but
you'll never find.”
Nomadic, haphazard wanderings
have caused me to journey along
a serpentine path;
Through gnarled undergrowth
and thistles, that seize my legs
as I pass.
I'm haunted by sneers and whispers.
Their frenzied laughter encompassing
the essence of me.
My hands frantic, to my ears,
clawing, as demon taunts, bring
me to my knees.
My head upon the earthen ground
as the broken child within me
mournfully wails.
Lying listless, beaten and bruised,
left to die, until a light pierced
the darkness of the trail.
©BAR
10/1/98
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Haunting
An erroneous shadow
emanating distorted
reflections of death,
illusively penetrated
my peaceful night.
Taunting with vague
perceptions of doom,
painfully inseminated
until in total agony
I screamed in fright.
Frantic for an escape,
from taunts and fear,
I hysterically clawed
in the darkness for
my conscious mind.
Until in exhaustion
I awakened, gasping
for air, only to find
remnants of a pungent
perfume left behind.
©BAR
11/06/98
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Center Stage
I have entered an arena
sated with an aura,
which speaks of a vile evil,
that hideously prowls
the sanctums of souls;
Filled with the stench
of odorous excrement,
by-products of feasting
that now ooze from life's
inner walls;
Feasting of trust, love,
self worth and confidence,
ravenously devoured by
gnashing teeth;
only to leave crumbs of fear
scattered on life's plate.
I have drawn back a heavy shroud,
masking the arena's center stage,
revealing beady eyed demons,
slithering with forked tongues
flicked in my face.
Their ecstasy,
the exhumation of death;
resurrection of stagnation,
their ultimate goal;
forced to play in an endless drama,
scripted to distract
from a child's cries
from tombs unknown.
©BAR
03/03/99
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Gallows
I cupped within a trembling hand,
the reality of a dream,
that sacrifices obtained.
A road traveled...not in a safe way.
The goal a dream, that lived with me,
for most of my days.
Looking upon its reality, I shivered.
Reaching in, a core of sadness,
still brushed my hand.
Outside a garment of contentment,
inside, tumult reigned...
The expense of the reality.
Confusion tumbled around me.
The world had convinced me,
happiness was on the other side.
The reality, something my life depended on
but I traveled the wrong road,
to grasp and make it mine.
So with a cry of anguish,
I looked upon the reality
and with a quivering hand, it slipped away.
Now many times the world has
convinced me, that to save my life
the dream MUST become real.
And I have set my foot
upon many roads, only to slip
as the dream was so close at hand.
Feeling like a fool...a failure.
Why can't I find a road
I can travel, feeling at peace?
Is it me or the roads that I've traveled?
Is it sheer stupidity or fear,
that causes me to release?
Looking up at the gallows of my life,
the world's whispers echo in my mind,
“You're going to die...”
©BAR
7/20/98
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sacrificial Lamb
She stood lifeless by a stone structure
where a stench of decayed skin adhered.
The flesh was to have been the sacrifice
for redemption of her body's sins.
Each layer had been raw, blood dripping;
repulsive, though familiar to her touch,
as she had stretched each into submission
like a hunter racks his pelts.
She had reached for a source of ignition,
a way to sear morbidity for eternity.
Her offering , spiked and ransomed,
to stand for her in iniquity's place.
But as she struck the blaze she faltered,
paralyzed by the face of the flame.
©BAR
08/10/99
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Muffled
sounds of sorrow,
dissected
from roots of pain,
slain
by tormentors of courage,
instigators
of fear's refrain.
Grafted
mistrust and panic,
ripened
to insecurity and doubt,
apprehensive
beatings and trembling,
shrouded
the voice that longed to cry out.
Languish
buried in a heartbeat,
stifled
teardrop songs, hung still,
dangling
from fear's gallows;
destruction
of courage and will.
©BAR
02/15/99
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