Just another day

Over the years I so often felt as if I was stagnant when it came to my weight. I grasped at many life lines only to fail time and time again. I would lose a significant amount of weight only to gain it back along with more.

I married a wonderful man who has been there for me no matter what my weight has been. With the birth of three wonderful daughters and a job I loved my life fell into a comfortable rhythm.

Sleeping Innocence

Beside me you rest wrapped in innocence
Lips pursed, a rose bud waiting to flower
Your gold ringlets emit a child's incense
Cheeks glowing the cast of the sunset hour

My eyes close, I whisper a little prayer
Raven lashes flutter gently in sleep
Angels gather to watch from heaven's stair
Your breaths cadence becomes steady and deep

Dream weaver weave ethereal dreams tonight
A rich tapestry abundant with tales
Of fairies and whimsical elves, delight
As you travel along enchanted trails

Your face glistens with traces of love's dew
Celestial blessings are bestowed on you

©BAR
2000

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Journey Of Dreams

Draped in hues of linen
Ribbed with satin's sheen
A halo for heaven's angel
Journeying to her dreams

Tiny fingers interlace
Soft honey dewed curls
Wispy breaths billow sails
To take her to another world

Encircled in steadfast arms
Nestling a beating heart
Departing on a cloud ship
But in love, never truly apart

©BAR

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Night's Blessing

Watching your lids
slowly slip, eclipsing
the blue full moon
of your eyes,
births a smile~

While a soft kiss
whisks you away,
on breaths of sleep,
to the land of dreams~

~*~

Sweet dreams,
my little one.

I Love You....

©BAR
12/3/98

~~~~~~~~~~~~~


My Little One

Your tight hugs
My little one-
Your 'I love you'
In my ear

Your bright smiles
My little one-
Your kisses
Hands in my hair

Do you know
My little one-?
You have helped
bring me through

I'm so blessed
my little one-
I want you to know
I Love You.

©BAR
10/1/97




I remained focused on what I had but turned a blind eye to my health and my ever increasing weight. I honestly think I was afraid to look at my reality. I was afraid at what I might see if I dug deep enough to unearth my inner fears and pain.

Just Another Day

Day's fabric swaddles me,
I shelter in its folds,
comforted by warm, red rays
of the rising, setting sun.
My eyes fixed on the present;
secure in what is known,
too fearful to look away

(c) Jan. 2002
Beth A. Rogers

My relationship with my Mother grew steadily distant though we saw each other often. With the death of my Father at a fairly young age my Mother turned to my daughters to fill her loneliness and void.

All of her life the center of her existence was her husband and her children. Now living in an empty house she clung to my daughters. Once again I struggled with the need to "fix" to make things okay. I loved my Mother deeply so I found myself stepping back, burying my feelings and allowing her at times, to parent my children.

Looking back now I know so much of it was wrapped up in my own self esteem. I often felt that it was my fault when the lives of those around me were filled with pain, tension and turmoil. And if it wasn't my fault it was most certainly my fault that I couldn't make their lives better. My life was totally wrapped up in giving of myself for others to the point that in a way I lost my identity.

The Fault Line

When the world within my boundaries
begins to rumble, quiver and shake

And a seismic disturbance
threatens peaceful ways, to break

Frantically searching for an answer
to ease the tension it makes

I delve into myself looking
for the fault line---

I burrow and dig deep inside
way to my very core

Searching myself for the epicenter
analyzing actions, words and more

Questioning if it's my faults
causing the shaking of your floor

I scrutinize, analyze
for the fault line---

Why do I take upon myself
the cause of your failures and pains?

Why do I need to lessen your tension
by taking upon myself, your blame?

Why do I think so little of myself
that I'm willing to wear your shame?

What will I ever gain by taking claim
for the fault line---

It's time to love myself enough
to not take on your insecurities

It's time to be strong enough that
your words don't send me to my knees

It's time to recognize what's within me
and know your failures aren't mine to seize

And realize not to always look to myself
for the fault line---

©BAR
2/3/98

As I felt further and further out of control of my own life I continued to turn to food to bury all that I was feeling. As my weight increased the distance increased between me and my Mother until it came to a point that she would no longer touch or hold me. We spent most of our time in superficial conversations tip-toeing around the chasm that was growing deeper and deeper between us.

From A Non-Entity

Beside you I feel as a cast out stranger
Not as the child of who you gave birth
I watch you in silence as you ignore me
Treating me as a person with little worth

When your gaze looks upon my being
All I see is total disgust in your eyes
If you brush against me or I embrace you
There is an aversion you just can't disguise

What have I done to receive your judgment?
You, who others praise , has a golden heart
Explain to me, please, how this shows you love me
Where in concern does revulsion take a part?

~

As a child my life was filled with loneliness
Trying to ignore laughs and jeers behind hands
Sitting alone upon the school steps, hiding
Feeling there was no one who could understand

I searched for something I could excel in
That which would bring me into the crowd
The one thing I could claim as my own
Something that would make you proud

But when I discovered within, that treasure
The praise was so limited, I didn't understand
My flaws and looks were the focus of discussion
For you see a fat child was never part of your plan

~

Now as an adult, I'm still treated as that child
You still are trying to control and change me
All buried in the pretense of love and caring
But the driving power of guilt, is what I see

I don't need your guilt placed upon me
Believe me, I have enough of my own
Constantly feeling I am a total failure
For once let me be in control!

Don't go behind my back using my family
Trying to shed your guilt by changing who I am
I am who I am, but for you that isn't good enough
Because I don't fit into your perfect plan

~

Because I'm overweight do you think I don't feel?
Do you think the layers have caused me to go numb?
My self esteem has been pulverized and strangled
I don't need to be treated like I'm dumb!

The world looks upon me in total disgust
Laughing and snickering...I pretend I don't hear
After all fat people are scum...a non-entity
So why should anyone, even you, really care

I'm told by all around to 'Just change it'
But it is hard to change, if I have no worth
I don't expect the world to solve my problems
But being treated as a human being sure wouldn't hurt

(c)Beth A. Rogers